Caregiver’s Holiday Survival Guide

The ICA leadership recently received an article via email from a fabulous organization called Daughterhood. Given the current hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it really resonated with the group. We loved this article so much that we wanted to share it with our community as well.

Article reposted with permission from Daughterhood.org

Original post on DECEMBER 11, 2018 BY ANNE TUMLINSON 

Let’s face it. Caregivers don’t get to participate much in the holidays. While everyone else is planning trips and parties, shopping for gifts or decorating the house, caregivers are still muscling through their daily grind.

If you’re taking care of a parent or loved one, you know what I mean. It’s hard to avoid feeling especially deprived this time of year. Whether you’re sitting in the ER again, dealing with frustrating dementia behaviors, or worrying about your mom’s depression, the misery of it is all just magnified this time of year. One of the hallmarks of caregiving is that it leaves you feeling like you’re missing out. Missing out on fun everyone else is having, missing out on your old life – before you were a caregiver. Of course, Holidays make this feeling even worse.

The simple fact is, whatever makes us sad, makes us sadder in December. Everything hard is harder. We feel the passage of time more acutely and our losses more profoundly. If your family member has dementia, it’s extra painful. This time of year is, after all, loaded with memories.

And then there’s family. holidays bring people into your orbit who stress you out. No one pushes our buttons quite like family. Caregiving with them in your space (or vice versa) is just that much harder. And if you have kids, well, of course their expectations are bananas this time of year.

There’s just so much to do, piled on top of an already way-too-much set of responsibilities and obligations. Most of the year I’m already barely making it work and NOW YOU WANT TO ADD CHRISTMAS ON TOP OF EVERYTHING?

So, to survive the holidays, we obviously need some strategies. We need a plan and a pact. Here’s what I think we should pledge to each other and ourselves.

Focus on Rituals, Not Responsibilities

Holiday to do lists are endless. Martha Stewart could be making a documentary praising your holiday preparations and you’d still be thinking – yeah, but I forgot to get the cat a jingle bell collar. The point is: you could work from sunup to sundown and never achieve the perfect holiday preparation picture you have in your head.

So, knowing that, how about instead of focusing on holiday responsibilities, we focus on holiday rituals.

We all have lots of lovely traditions; like baking cookies for our neighbors. But tradition is different from ritual. Tradition is something we commit to doing over and over to emphasize what doesn’t change. But rituals are the acknowledgement of what is changing (think here: weddings, baptisms, bar mitzvahs). The difference is rituals are inherently spiritual. They connect us to each other and the human experience. They give our hearts a place to process change, to acknowledge and normalize what’s hard, and to create community around shared experiences.

Think about what your holiday rituals could be. Religion actually offers many pre-packaged options; the lighting of the Menorah or an advent wreath, for example. Now if you aren’t religious, you can create your own holiday rituals. The key is to set aside some time, bring loved ones together and talk about what’s different in your lives. Express grief you have over what’s gone and hope for what’s to come. Rituals are so helpful and especially powerful and important when you’re going through a change. It’s a way of creating your very own mental health safety net.

Set Priorities and Boundaries like a Ninja

Now I’m going to give a very hard assignment. I want you to give some thought to what you really want from the season, prioritize the two or three things that will get you closest to this goal, and let everything else go.

This may seem impossible. But, believe me it can be done and it can save your sanity during the holidays. For example, this year I’ll be eliminating the tyranny of putting up outside lights. Because what I really want from my holiday is to spend as much time with my daughter as I can. And even though she’s the main instigator of outside lights, I usually end up wrestling with the shrubbery and dangling off a ladder all alone. So, I’m taking this off my list, even though I know she’ll be disappointed.

That’s an easy one, though, compared to disappointing your parents or siblings because you can’t meet their expectations. It often feels like we can’t do enough, it seems that folks are always asking for more, and we can’t do any of it well enough. Like running on a treadmill where the faster you run, the closer you are to falling off the damn thing.

My friend, Gretchen, is my boundary-setting coach and she has explained that people get to ask for whatever they want. And your best boundary-preserving response is to tell them what you can do. Rather than saying “no,” you can say, “here’s what works for me.” At first, it will feel really uncomfortable until you realize that no one actually thinks you’re as bad as you think you are, and then it gets easier.

But the motivation here is this: You have no choice. You are taking care of another human being all the time. And, by the way, that’s the relationship where boundaries are MOST important.

Make Yourself a Priority

I know. Everyone says this. If you’re like me, when someone says, “take care of yourself,” I want to yell at them, “I already have too many people to take care of! Why can’t someone else take care of me?” Gah!

But by creating rituals, prioritizing your to do list and setting boundaries, it may be possible for you to get to bed on time, take a walk and/or get coffee with a friend. But no pressure.

There seems to be a natural temptation during the holidays to squeeze in some “important conversations” with your siblings or other family members because you’re all in one place. There’s so much to talk about and decide. Does Mom seem okay? Should we move her to assisted living? Who’s the power of attorney?

I’m not a fan of trying to do this over the holidays. It just takes an already challenging time and makes it more challenging. These difficult conversations are not one and done. Think about how you want to relate to your family and put in place the supports you need to make it happen all year long. If that’s hard for you, and it is for most families, try giving yourself the gift of family counseling! Now that’s a holiday gift to yourself that you’ll appreciate all year round!

Most of all remember that this time of year dumps the messiest parts of your life into one big pot. Be gentle with yourself, put one foot in front of the other and let go of perfect pictures and unrealistic expectations. That’s the surest way to survive.

ICA Guest Blog: Hike 2 Heal with Founder Dan Canfield

From the Editor: Today’s guest blog is from Dan Canfield, program founder of Hike2Heal, a non-profit respite program coming next year to the Boise area. Reading time: 5 mins.

Hike 2 Heal: A New Respite Program

As I was applying for jobs during my last year of college, the full time job that I landed was not one that I ever dreamed of. This wasn’t a job any of us ever seek out, or even get paid for, no matter how time consuming, or demanding it becomes. Becoming a caregiver for my grandparents, during their time of suffering, changed my life and and became the extreme obstacle that so many of us face that we overcome with unselfish love. You don’t know, what you don’t know. I didn’t have any experience, knowledge, or understanding of what a caregiver was, let alone how to be a good caregiver to my grandparents. I did not have the tools, resources or support, which at times felt very overwhelming. When my grandparents passed months apart, I felt broken and lost as I put my career on hold to remain a caregiver and I was just exhausted. So I started hiking. I had always loved the outdoors, but not like this. This time was different. And soon I found myself in another situation without any experience – on the trail, backpacking. I began with a section on the Appalachian trail. The pack way too heavy, but there was something about putting one foot in front of the other and letting my mind process re-discovery. Over the course of the year, I hiked and backpacked thousands of miles across 33 countries, I experienced the healing power of nature. I rediscovered myself and my life’s mission.

John & Junes Mission, Inc. is dedicated to, and in memory of John and June Canfield, my grandparents. Founded in January of 2018 as a 501c3 charitable organization. John and June’s Mission empowers cancer survivors and caregivers by reducing burdens and providing opportunities for personal growth through outdoor experiences. Our vision is to ensure every Idahoan impacted by cancer has a support network and opportunities to improve their quality of life. Hike 2 Heal is our initial program providing respite services for cancer survivors and caregivers through hikes, guided backpacking trips, and other outdoor events to enrich their quality of life. We welcome all experience levels.

We recently received a grant from the Idaho Commission on Aging (ICOA) to implement a community respite program. Respite care can make a difference in helping you take care of your loved one who has cancer. If you are a caregiver, you are well aware of how stressful and overwhelming it can become at times. Depending on your personal situation, you may find yourself with little time for yourself, missing out on important appointments, and even neglecting your social life.

I wish I had known the secret to successful caregiving, is finding a balance between providing care and also caring for yourself. While it may feel like there is no time for you and your needs, it doesn’t have to be that way. Respite care in an excellent and often necessary tool for cancer caregivers. Hike 2 Heal has developed a respite program for cancer caregivers which can provide them with what they deserve, a much needed break from caregiving. We are currently recruiting active cancer caregivers to participate in our 2019 activities. For more information, please email us at: johnandjunesmission@gmail.com.